Tied Together With A Smile

All of my friends know I am not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift, but the above song has been on my mind like a the Plague. I just seem to be a personification of that song at that moment. Especially when Swift sing "tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone." It rings much too close for comfort. Especially here lately when in relation to the school contemporary band club. I just feel as if I am trying to keep up this front when I just was to curl up, cry, and just block the world out.

My question is this: why do I put myself through this? Why do I put myself in a position where I know I will get hurt? (Albeit I didn't think I would get hurt here, in this situation.) Better yet, how come, when I stand up for my own self, I get told to stop being a crybaby, but when someone else comments, suddenly people are like, oh wait, yeah. We do antagonize her beyond reason. And it even depends on the person, because some people do not save me when they speak up. I don't understand the need to tell me I am not good enough. I already feel bad enough about myself. I don't need some jacka** telling me what my head repeats like a mantra. "Please everyone else. Don't step over  the boundaries you set up. Don't be yourself. And whatever you do: do not show that you are being broken down, every day, every minute, with every comment made."

I find it harder to smile every time. It is impossible for me to sit down and say I am fine, without looking away and hiding the tears building in my tear-ducks. and I don't want people to worry. I don't want them to watch me everyday, but, in my never ending conundrum of a life, I want people to finally take notice of the idea that maybe I am sick and tired and just in need of a gigantic scream. I need to scream and pout and throw a tantrum, but I can't. I can't throw a tantrum. My too ingrained social courtesy and civility is demanding proper etiquette in public, even if I am still quirky.

Funny how someone can be tied together, with their last piece of hope, thrown into a smile. Funny how they will end up completely broken  if someone takes away that last shred of sanity. I just hope no one takes it from me.

Jerky

So, selling jerky is not easy to do. Our teacher tells us to sell jerky, but the jerky we are asked to sell, she wants to sell for $2 a small package. No one wants to buy jerky for two dollars. Especially when you get .8 oz. It is barely worth it. So who gets to eat the jerky? Me. I also get to pay close to $70 for my thirty-odd bags of jerky. I have sold three bags. I ate...around...ten...of...them.... I have to buy them all anyway!

Anywho. Getting off the depressing topic of failed fundraisers, I am making excellent headway in my fan fictions. I have gotten a few chapters into my Iris Petals. I am hitting to the almost end of the arc. I might have a couple more chapters before I am back in Konohagakure. And I started a new fiction, Wandering Romance Unwavering. I am really excited about this one. It is about Lily and James, from Harry Potter. I love them so much. I am really happy with this story.

And as I am typing this, I am uncomfortably aware of the fact that I have homework due tomorrow. So I am hitting the virtual road and signing off.

Sayonara!

Too Many eMails....

So, I was looking at my emails today and realized I have WAY too many of them. I decided to go through them, and delete and possibly just write them down. Most of them are challenges for Harry Potter Fan Fiction -- some of which is actually pretty good. So, overall, I am getting back into the groove of writing fan fictions again.

Honestly, I think I should try to use these challenge ideas to help me get through my fan fiction chapters as the stress of getting chapters out gets to me at times. Something I discovered that helps me is to listen to a song, write for the song whatever pops into my head -- a stream of conscience per say -- and it frees up my mind and gives me new material to post all at once.

So, as I sit here, typing away, I will also write about last night. The most curious thing happened -- by the way, this is getting off topic from my fan fiction quabbles from earlier -- around seven or so. I was busy doing who cares what -- even I can't remember. I think I was messing around with said computer on my lap. The poor thing gets death threats quite often from your truly. You would think it would work for fear of it's life, but no, it does not. Then my cell phone goes off. I see a number I don't recognize, and thought maybe one of my friends got a new number or something and thus texted them back, thinking it cojld also be a coworker asking me to cover their shift and they texted the wrong number -- some of them have my number.

It was neither of the formerly stated. It was someone from a completely different state who I have no clue as to who they were. They were completely new to me and I honestly expected them to not continue talking to me via words on a cell phone screen. But they did. And I discovered that this person is very curious. He is very smart for his age and has some book suggestions that I am actually curious about -- and this is from a kid who is younger than me. My only fault in him was that he dissed my Harry Potter as not interesting. But I will admit that I let this slide. I am unfortunately horrible at holding grudges to the fault. I have only one lasting grudge and it is helped by the one I hold the grudge against -- and really, it is more of a don't care thing. I have forgiven her. I just don't plan to forget what the whole grudge was about. Anywho.

So that was my exciting night. Really, I kind of liked the kid. He really kept up a good conversation. i wonder if he will ever contact me again. I told him he could. Anyways, I should go back to clearing out my email. Might be good to do.

Later.

Long Time No Write.

I just look back on my last post, from over a year ago and wonder, when did I forget about this? Oopsy, ILK. You need to get back into the game. Maybe you should take this as a chance to keep with the weight loss you are attempting. It may work. So.

As an attempt to actually lose weight, I will now be writing about various aspects about my life that I am changing. Hope this works. Maybe I will actually succeed in writing on this blog for once.

A note: I failed NaNoWriMo. I hate November in general, if only because no one gives anyone time in November.

Another note: check me out on fanfiction: www.fanfiction.net/~InuLoveKawaii13