All of my friends know I am not the biggest fan of Taylor Swift, but the above song has been on my mind like a the Plague. I just seem to be a personification of that song at that moment. Especially when Swift sing "tied together with a smile, but you're coming undone." It rings much too close for comfort. Especially here lately when in relation to the school contemporary band club. I just feel as if I am trying to keep up this front when I just was to curl up, cry, and just block the world out.
My question is this: why do I put myself through this? Why do I put myself in a position where I know I will get hurt? (Albeit I didn't think I would get hurt here, in this situation.) Better yet, how come, when I stand up for my own self, I get told to stop being a crybaby, but when someone else comments, suddenly people are like, oh wait, yeah. We do antagonize her beyond reason. And it even depends on the person, because some people do not save me when they speak up. I don't understand the need to tell me I am not good enough. I already feel bad enough about myself. I don't need some jacka** telling me what my head repeats like a mantra. "Please everyone else. Don't step over the boundaries you set up. Don't be yourself. And whatever you do: do not show that you are being broken down, every day, every minute, with every comment made."
I find it harder to smile every time. It is impossible for me to sit down and say I am fine, without looking away and hiding the tears building in my tear-ducks. and I don't want people to worry. I don't want them to watch me everyday, but, in my never ending conundrum of a life, I want people to finally take notice of the idea that maybe I am sick and tired and just in need of a gigantic scream. I need to scream and pout and throw a tantrum, but I can't. I can't throw a tantrum. My too ingrained social courtesy and civility is demanding proper etiquette in public, even if I am still quirky.
Funny how someone can be tied together, with their last piece of hope, thrown into a smile. Funny how they will end up completely broken if someone takes away that last shred of sanity. I just hope no one takes it from me.
