So, I am usually not the type to get sick. In general, I like to think that my immune system is rather capable of fighting off enemies without a problem. But what happens? I feel sick. and it all started yesterday during PE when I ran the mile. First was cramps, which is to be expected when you run a little too fast for your body. I got a good time, but in general, I ran a bit too fast in the first two laps of ten and combined with weaving to get through people to make my time, I just didn't think through my actions those first two laps. So I got a cramp. And when the cramp went away, I suddenly felt like throwing up and I had to get water to keep myself from doing so. But as much as i didn't throw up, I still feel like I am about to loose some bodily organ as of right now. And what makes it worse is that my friends noticed that I don't feel too good. And that makes me feel worse and bad because I am causing them worry and that stresses me out a bit more by causing me to want to puck my non-existent breakfast even more. And I am not the only one feeling the wooziness. Another of my friends is not feeling to hot at the moment either. I am just assuming that something is going around and is making its rounds to everyone.
And to top it off, people keep asking me why I won't go to the band concert on Friday. I don't feel like telling certain people the reason is because certain people that are participating just force me to face the fact that particular people think I am horrible. Yes, everyone says I am an amazing singer, but this year in particular, people just make me feel like I am going to commit music suicide if I bother to sing in public, and it just causes me so much stress, and I am forcing myself to remove me from those situations because it is my Achilles Heel, and it causes me to by the older brother, and I hate being an older brother. My pastor on Sunday was talking about it on Sunday, and it brought back memories from a previous sermon from a while ago that said to remove yourself from self-depreciating activities and/or people. And I recognized that participating in that particular activity hurt me too much. It showed me that not everyone appreciated how hard I tried. And really, it hurt me to think that in spite of my talent, I was never going to be good enough for the a-hole who was in charge, because he had favorites, and he knew, deep down, that music is only a hobby and not something I planned to use as an everyday thing. I am just so tired of people taking his side, of telling me that he is only trying to help me. If he was trying to help me, he wouldn't downgrade me in front of everyone then turn around and say, do you still want to do this song, ten minutes after he said he hated the performance of the song, hated when I sung it. That is not is not helping me; that is degrading, and hurtful, and offensive, and just flat out bastardly to do.
So I am thinking that part of the reason I am not feeling well is because of my tendencies to bottle things up inside, to tell myself that I will only hurt feelings if I speak what is on my mind. Emotional stress is a killer.
